i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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