no, he came in my armpit
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
