i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Can Purell be used as lube?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
