Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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