if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize