Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
