wat bout pragnant strippers??
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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