so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
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