true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
