Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize