I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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