and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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