I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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