For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize