I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
