I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
