So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
