i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
