I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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