Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize