i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
