in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize