He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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