Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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