the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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