You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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