You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
