it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
