I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
