Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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