I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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