I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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