If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
