man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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