I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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