i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
