we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
