I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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