I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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