good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
