not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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