Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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