i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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