I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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