I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
