Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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