you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
