happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
