I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
