i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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