Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
