Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
