I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
