So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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